JONATHAN TROTT EXCLUSIVE: I never wanted the night to end - when it did, I knew I'd have to go and play cricket again
- Jonathan Trott has had two separate absences from cricket because of stress-related illness - once after Ashes and once this season
- He says it was a 'relief' to be away from the game
- Even games against students were hard work
- Trott went to see Dr Steve Peters to try to help him
- Batsman describes it as a 'last throw of the dice' and an 'all-in moment'
- Michael Vaughan was very critical of Trott's stress revelations
- The 33-year-old will play in Royal London Cup final for Warwickshire against Durham at Lord's
Jonathan
Trott would go to bed hoping the night would never end. He had a wife
who loved him. A three-year-old daughter who adored him. Together they
had made a beautiful home. But in his tortured mind waking up meant only
one thing: he would have to play cricket again.
Driving
to the ground, every inch of his body hurt, his muscles begging his
brain to take them anywhere but Edgbaston. To stop. To rest.
With
what little mental clarity he still possessed, he was starting to
wonder if his cricket career was over. ‘I wasn't sure I wanted to play
cricket any more,' he says.
Jonathan Trott sitting in his kitchen, where he opened up about his struggle over the past year
Trott talks to Sportsmail's Chief Sports Reporter Matt Lawton and reveals his torment
'I was in that sort of place because of the way it made me feel, 24 hours a day.
‘It became a relief to be away from it. Not to be at the ground. But there was a ticking clock; knowing that you had to go back.
‘Even
in the hotel, or at home, it was like a ticking clock; like a sentence.
Knowing that you’re going back to the ground. You want the night to
never end. You get to bad places.’
That
was in April, during a county match between Warwickshire and Sussex,
and just before he aborted his comeback from the stress-related illness
that had forced him to leave the Ashes tour in Australia the previous
November.
When
he issued a statement on April 18 explaining he was suffering the ‘same
anxieties’ he had endured in Brisbane, he had no idea what was wrong
with him.
A
psychologist he saw soon after returning home from Australia thought he
was suffering ‘burnout’, and Trott responded to the diagnosis with a
sense of relief. It was something he could understand and perhaps blame
on back-to-back Ashes series. He did his best to articulate what he had
experienced in an interview with Sky, which was labelled ‘Jonathan
Trott: Burnout’.
Trott
never envisaged the level of criticism that interview would attract. In
particular from Michael Vaughan, the former England captain who
attacked Trott in a newspaper column by complaining that he felt
‘conned’ because, in his own misguided view, Trott was not ill at all
when he left Australia after the first Test. ‘He did a runner,’ declared
Vaughan.
Trott is visibly happier than earlier in the summer as he poses in front of pictures of his family
The Warwickshire batsman was 'in a dark place' in April after his stress-related illness resurfaced
A clock ticked in my head... cricket was like a sentence
Trott
was stunned by a fellow professional cricketer’s lack of compassion.
His wife, Abi, was deeply distressed. ‘The day that article appeared was
as bad as the day he came home from Australia,’ she says. Trott clung
to the idea of ‘burnout’, hoping a decent rest was all he would need
before returning to the crease for country and county. It became his
crutch - a cause for optimism.
But
he was wrong. After a few months rest, he was horrified to discover
nothing had changed. It did not seem to matter if he was playing a
county match or a charity game. From the first ball he might as well
have been back in Brisbane; anxious and unable to operate.
Then,
over dinner one night in Oxford, someone suggested he see the man he
now credits with saving his career. The man who has enabled him to start
scoring runs again and play a significant part in Warwickshire’s
passage to Saturday’s Royal London One-Day Cup final at Lord’s.
An
avid sports fan as well as a hugely talented sportsman, Trott had read
of Dr Steve Peters’ work with Liverpool Football Club and the England
football team as well as Ronnie O’Sullivan, Victoria Pendleton and Sir
Bradley Wiggins.
Trott bites his bat in frustration after being out in a warm-up match ahead of the winter's Ashes
After that defeat by Sussex, when he had hit rock bottom, he contacted Peters.
‘It
was literally that all-in moment,’ says Trott. ‘The last throw of the
dice. I was saying, “Help me; thank you for your time; can you help me? I
know you are very busy”.’
He was desperate, but it is not a desperate man who sits across the table from me in the kitchen of his home in Birmingham.
It
is a measured, composed 33-year-old capable of making some sense of
what has happened to him these past 10 month. Who has just scored 128
not out for Warwickshire against Northants and is now at home giving his
first interview since that second break from the game in April while
devouring a pizza and chips.
‘Good
carbs,’ he says. The night holds no fears for this Jonathan Trott. He
will sleep well before returning to the business of scoring some more
runs.
England's
No 3 skies one and is caught during the first Ashes Test in Brisbane
(left) and walks off The Gabba looking grim-faced after his dismissal at
the hands of Mitchell Johnson - days later, he had left the tour
Perhaps the most significant leg of Trott’s difficult journey was the two-hour drive to Peters’ home in the Peak District.
‘He
said, “I know how traumatic it can be, the state you are in”,’ recalls
Trott, talking about his recovery for the first time. ‘Nobody had said
that to me before. Because they don’t know. He knows because of the
experience he has, and the knowledge. He knows how hard it can feel, and
how horrible it can feel. He understood.
‘I
remember driving away from his home. I was on top of the Peak District.
I’d never been there before and it was really quite beautiful. And I
remember thinking, “That’s amazing, I already feel better”. I’d found
someone who understood me. Someone I could speak to. I called Abi and I
just said “I’ll be fine now”.’
Trott
made the four-hour round trip seven or eight times. ‘Steve’s got the
answers and I needed that,’ he says. ‘A lot of psychologists you speak
to might say “well how about this? Or this?” He tells you “no, this is
what it is. This is human nature and this is how the brain works.” He’s
got the experience but also the knowledge as a psychiatrist.
Trott carries the drinks during his comeback match, a friendly between Warwickshire and Gloucestershire
‘In
our first meeting he said I wasn’t suffering from depression. He
described it as a kind of situational anxiety. My situation was cricket,
and you don’t have a balanced, rational view of it. It’s either success
or failure and nothing in between.
The 33-year-old walks off after scoring just four in that pre-season friendly in April
‘Success
for me became what I’d achieved, which was an average of 90 against
Australia. That was what I had to live up to, which of course was
ludicrous. There was a huge imbalance there.’
Trott
went home and began reading Peters’ book, The Chimp Paradox. He was
gripped. ‘I’d say that’s me down to a tee”,’ he says. ‘I’m sitting there
and thinking, “have we met somewhere before because he’s written this
about me”.'
Behind
him Abi is chuckling to herself. ‘He was reading it in the bath one
night and he’s shouting “Hey, listen to this!” Steve writes about
catastrophising everything, and that was him.’
‘I’ll
give you an example,’ says Trott. ‘I’m in the nets and I’m caught
behind. I’m thinking, “F**k, what are my team-mates going to think of
me?” And then, “What if that happens in the game? What are they going to
think of me then? What are the opposition going to think of me? What
are the spectators going to think? What are the press going to write?”
When in fact the bowler is probably thinking he delivered a good ball
and half my team-mates probably didn’t even see it.’
His
first game after the Ashes came in a charity match in Cape Town for a
friend who lost a leg in his battle with cancer. Trott was playing with
his mates, his brother among them, against a local school side.
‘The
moment the first ball came in I was back in Brisbane,’ he says. ‘I got
about 19, but it felt the same; whether it was against schoolboys or
Australia. It all felt the same.
‘I
was then fielding at mid-off. I hadn’t fielded, or even practised, for
five months. And this guy whacks one into the air and I’m running
backwards. There are no clouds. It’s just an object in a blue sky. I
turn to dive. I must have landed on an anthill or something because
there is sand everywhere. And the ball hits my hands and, as I’m lying
there, I watch the ball trickle over the boundary.
‘As
I’m lying there I’m thinking these schoolboys must think I’m useless.
They must be thinking the England team is rubbish if this guy can get in
it.
‘I was still thinking about the fact I’d only got 19 runs. I knew then that I was in trouble.
Trott bats in the return match against
Sussex in July - it was after the Championship match against the same
opponents in April that his stress-related issues returned
I
only scored 19 in a charity match against students and I all I could
think was that those schoolboys must've thought I was rubbish
‘I
was thinking, “What’s going on? I’m supposed to be fine now. It was
only burnout and I’ve just had five months off”. When I sat down with
the psychologist the ECB organised for me, he said I just had classic
symptoms of burnout. And I thought, great, I can understand that. But
this was a schoolboys game. It was supposed to be fun but I couldn’t
enjoy it. I knew it couldn’t be burn-out because I’d had that long
break.’
Quite
when these problems began for Trott has been a subject of some
conjecture. In Australia Andy Flower, then the England coach, suggested
Trott had endured mental issues dating back to a tour of South Africa in
late 2009.
‘South
Africa was something else,’ says Trott. ‘The anxiety problems there
were different; more personal. It was more of a family matter.
‘This
really only started in England, during the Ashes. I felt different in
the first Test against Australia. And people started noticing things.
Certain mannerisms and stuff.
‘Before
we went to Australia (for the second of the back-to-back Ashes) I
thought I could deal with it. I thought, “Well I’ve got a month to get
my head straight. I’ll be OK”. I’d averaged around 50 in the Test series
against Australia.
‘After
the Ashes in England I couldn’t enjoy the fact we had won the series. I
was embarrassed by the contribution I had made, even though I think I
had the third highest average.’
The Warwickshire batsman hits out during the Royal London One-Day Cup quarter-final against Essex
Abi
briefly speaks. ‘He was using words like “degrading” to me,’ she says.
‘He was in the depths of despair. I hated watching him torture himself
over something that had brought him such joy.’
His
critics, with Vaughan chief among them, argued that the bigger issue
was one of technique; in particular when facing the rapid deliveries of
Australia’s Mitchell Johnson.
‘A
lot of people said it was Mitchell Johnson but it really wasn’t,’ he
says. ‘It was what was going on with me; self-inflicted really.
‘Give
him [Johnson] credit. He bowled really well in the one-day series and
Tests. I think he troubled a few players. But it’s the age we live in,
where people are employed to give their opinion and they go for the
obvious thing. People who know me, who watch me play, know that it’s not
the case.
‘I’ve
actually had a few centuries against him, so I wouldn’t say it’s a
technique issue. But without digging deeper and finding out what’s going
on, that’s what people focus on.’
Dr Steve Peters was the person to whom Trott turned when it was his 'last throw of the dice'
Trott
is keen for this interview not to focus too much on Vaughan when he
would rather discuss how he has managed to rebuild his career. When he
would prefer to look forward to more success with Warwickshire and
perhaps even play well enough to once again catch the eye of the England
selectors.
Michael Vaughan blasted Trott earlier this summer, which didn't impress the Warwickshire man
But
Vaughan’s newspaper column was scathing in its criticism of him, and
Trott gives little credit to a tweet the former England captain then
posted in response to that April statement confirming he would be taking
another break from the game.
Vaughan
referred to the ‘sad news’ and wished Trott a speedy recovery. What he
never did, however, was contact Trott to apologise for so clearly
misjudging a very serious situation.
‘I
spoke to a lot of people and a few of them said I was a bit too open
and a bit too honest in that Sky interview,’ says Trott. ‘But there were
a few people who had a go at me and I suppose it gives a true
reflection of their personality.
‘I
guess there will always be people who don’t like you. That’s what Steve
said, and that’s fine. But it was quite hard to take, from someone who
had played in the England team. That’s the measure of the person you are
dealing with I suppose.’
The
measure of Trott became apparent in the way he responded to the
treatment he received. Far from telling him to take a further break from
the game, Peters told Trott to get back on the horse.
‘I
was happy with that because it has always been my personality to
challenge things head on,’ he says. ‘We built it up step by step. With
net sessions, then with second team practices and then second team
games. It is amazing when I think about it now, from playing at Pudsey a
couple of months ago to be preparing for Lord’s.
‘But
it was a case of trying the things Steve had taught me. Putting in the
checks. Sometimes Mark, the England team psychologist, would be worried
we were going too fast. But Steve would say “let him go”.
‘Steve told me I was imbalanced. I didn’t have the clarity you need to play international sport.
‘He
taught me to find that balance again. That rational balance between
things that matter and things that don’t. It was interesting to see the
switch in my mental approach to the whole thing. It took a few goes but I
felt very different to how I had done before.
‘It’s almost common sense. But sometimes seeing common sense becomes very difficult.’
In
time Peters focused more specifically on Trott’s cricket. ‘He said he’s
no expert in cricket but he knows how the brain works and he made the
point that in the right mental state my accuracy would improve,’ he
says. ‘For me those words were very important. I found that very
encouraging.
Trott having a laugh with Ian Westwood at Warwickshire's pre-season media day in April
It
was quite hard taking the criticism from someone who had played for
England - but that's the measure of the person you're dealing with
Trott on Michael Vaughan's attack
‘The
tests I faced were important, too. We played a one-day game against
Somerset and their batsman whacked the ball at me and I dropped it. And
it was interesting to see how I reacted to that. I was fine. I was like
“damn it”. But the difference in the way I reacted was huge. I could
still perform. I feel a lot more in control of things now.’
His
performances would certainly suggest as much. Since his return in June
he has scored four centuries and averaged 60.75 in the eight games that
represent Warwickshire’s road to Lord’s, where they will be without the
injured Ian Bell.
Warwickshire
coach Dougie Brown has suggested Trott is playing as well as when he
was crowned the finest player in the world in 2011 and Colin Povey, the
county's chief executive, thinks an England recall should soon come.
‘I’ve
had a decent run since I came back,’ says Trott modestly. ‘The final at
Lord’s should be great; hopefully the end of a fantastic season for
us.’
He
would like to once again contribute for England but Trott applies a bit
of realism to that particular situation. After all, it was only last
week that the ECB confirmed that his central contract would not be
renewed at the end of this month.
‘I
haven’t retired from international cricket but the Test team did pretty
well in the last three Tests and that was good to see,’ he says.
The Warwickshire star is ready to play in the Royal London One-Day Cup final against Durham at Lord's
‘Ballance
has played really well. Root, at five, has done well. Bell is always
going to do well at four. Cook should remain captain, in both forms,
especially with the Ashes coming up. He’s the right guy for what will be
a tough occasion.
‘I’ll
concentrate on playing well for Warwickshire. The same way I did in
2009. I’d like to play for England again, obviously. I’d like to think
that everyone who plays county cricket wants to play for England and I’m
just one of those guys. That’s how I see myself now.’
He has been signed off by the ECB medical team as fit to play, should he be required in the future.
‘I
spoke to Paul Downton (ECB managing director) about not getting a new
contract and he said the central contracts are for players they
definitely see in their plans.
Trott is sad at the way Kevin Pietersen's England career ended and apparently KP is 'missing it'
I'll concentrate on batting well for Warwickshire but I'd love to play for England again
‘But
he said that doesn’t mean I’m not going to play for England again. He
was very complimentary, acknowledging that I had been playing well and
scoring lots of runs.
‘The
ECB have been great to me for nearly five years. They’ve been very
supportive in the past year. I felt a bit alone at first, but then I’m
not sure anyone really understood what we were dealing with.’
Had
his Ashes tour been cut short by an injury rather than a stress-related
illness, you do wonder if a player of his quality might have been
treated differently.
‘I
guess people are a bit more wary than if it was an injury,’ says Trott.
‘People can see on an MRI scan that a hamstring or a cruciate ligament
has healed. This is not such an exact science. There is less evidence, I
suppose, to prove that I am better.
Trott is enjoying his cricket and would love to be scoring centuries for England again in the future
‘I’m just enjoying playing for Warwickshire right now and if I get the chance to play for England again, great.’
In
the meantime he will focus on things closer to home, and on the events
he has planned for his benefit year with Warwickshire and the four
charities he has chosen to support.
Kevin
Pietersen is supporting one of the events. ‘I’ve always made a point of
trying to get along with everyone in my team and I like Kev,’ he says.
‘I’m actually very sad about the way it has all played out for him.
‘We
chat. We are very different but we share similar views on cricket and I
think we are both disappointed with the way things have turned out for
us. He’s like me; missing it.’
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